Module 05. Glossary
Terms of the module
- Emotions (8 messages)
- “Hello, My New Year!” (three parts)
- Humor (4 techniques)
- Preparing for a talk (5 steps)
- Principles of growth (12)
- Resistance to change (14 reasons)
- Result — Budget — Timeline (RBT)
- Scarcity and abundance
- Self-presentation (25 steps)
- “Strengthen the strong” (4 steps)
- “The Hero’s Journey” (12 stages)
- The survival value of feelings
Emotions (8 messages)
What each of the key emotions signals. Fear: “you see a potential threat — pay attention, prepare, assess how real the risk is.” Resentment: “your expectations or boundaries have been violated — clarify what exactly you consider unfair.” Guilt: “your actions or inaction have caused harm — think about how to put it right and draw conclusions.” Shame: “you do not live up to your own or other people’s standards — figure out whose standards these are.” Anger: “your needs or boundaries have been violated, you have the energy to protect yourself.” Loneliness: “you need connection, closeness, support.” Boredom: “you are stuck in monotony and have lost interest — look for something new.” Sadness: “you have faced a loss — give yourself time to live through it.” The psychology of emotions knows these messages as Richard Lazarus’s core relational themes: each emotion is the outcome of an instant appraisal of what the situation means for me, and so each has its own meaning and its own job; psychoanalysis adds a distinction important for the third and fourth messages: guilt is the voice of the superego, “you have transgressed,” shame is the voice of the Ego Ideal, “you have fallen short,” and they are healed differently — guilt is repaired by an action, shame by revising the yardstick.
The course’s chain: distorted thinking leads from a feeling to destructive behavior and negative consequences, rational thinking — to constructive behavior and positive effects. Having decoded the message, you respond to the point: to anger — restore the boundary, to guilt — put things right or revise an inflated norm; a person who does not read the messages spends years treating boredom with food and loneliness with work. All feelings motivate us toward behavior for the sake of safety: in the cave a human being has three main goals — to survive, to continue the family line and to move up the hierarchy.
“Hello, My New Year!” (three parts)
A method for summing up the outgoing year and planning the coming one. Part one — “Goodbye, my dear past year!”: give the year that has gone a name, holding on to the joyful memories; name the pleasant moments and their value; describe what the year was like; draw the lessons and say thank you. Part two — “Hello, my new year that has begun!”: goals and steps. Part three — “Your positive memories from the future”: a look back from a year already lived. The method is built like a rite of passage, which the anthropologist Arnold van Gennep found among all peoples: separation from the old, the threshold, entry into the new; part one is the very work of mourning Freud wrote about: only what has been mourned and named releases strength for new attachments, while a year that has not been lived through trails into the next one, dragging a tail of unresolved grievances. Part three uses what psychology calls prospection: a future seen as having already happened is planned more precisely than a future one dreams about.
Personifying the year helps to complete the period emotionally, to separate it from yourself and to draw conclusions with warmth; the focus on positive experience strengthens self-esteem and inner strength. It rests on the 24-step goal model (module 2) and the vision of the future; it can be applied to any starting point — a birthday, the beginning of a new stage.
Humor (4 techniques)
First, a question: what intention am I putting into the other person’s words? A person interacts not with other people’s words but with the meaning they themselves put into them. Four techniques: “and what if X? and if we get down to business, then Y” + taking the lead — “what if our friendship starts with these words?”; “good that you mentioned it, because X” + taking the lead; “even if X” or “even X” + taking the lead — “even the quickest-witted TV host wouldn’t find a comeback for you; and if we get down to business, then…”; “by the way, X would have said to that…” + taking the lead. Freud devoted two works to humor and in the later one called it the most mature of defenses: humor is the superego which, instead of punishing, comforts, and his favorite example is the condemned man being led to the gallows on a Monday who remarks that the week is starting well; George Vaillant’s modern classification of defenses ranks humor among the mature ones alongside sublimation — it allows you to stay in reality without being broken by it.
Humor here is not sarcasm and not a jab in return, but a tool for releasing tension that keeps the conversation in a respectful field and preserves contact; the line is drawn by the target — what we laugh at together, not whom I laugh at. Well-placed self-irony often defuses an attack better than any argument, because a person who can laugh at themselves is beyond the reach of humiliation. It adds lightness to the five speech techniques (module 3) and is part of the techniques for utilizing hooks (module 7) as “magic.”
Preparing for a talk (5 steps)
Five questions before any important conversation, meeting or talk. My gains: what to get and what to develop. The other person’s gains: material and non-material. Using the potential of the territory: time, space, currents. Turning activity into an asset: how to do it, and if the activity cannot be made into an asset — is it worth doing at all. Inner attunement: “I know what to do, and it is easy; I am glad to be here,” breathing and a smile. The fifth step is not self-deception but self-instruction, a method that Donald Meichenbaum’s cognitive therapy uses for stress inoculation: what a person tells themselves before a challenge sets the state in which they will enter it; breathing and the smile were not added by chance — William James already noticed that the body runs ahead of the feeling and that we are afraid because we tremble.
Preparation turns nervousness into the intention to be useful: while the focus is on yourself, it is frightening; when it is on the other person’s gain, it is interesting. The fourth step is the most uncomfortable: it makes you ask whether anything at all accumulates from this activity or whether it burns away in the moment it is done. The third step introduces the idea of currents, which in module 9 will become part of strategy, and the fifth rests on a state — the fourth floor (module 2). In public speaking, it continues in the psychology of speaker confidence (module 10).
Principles of growth (12)
A complement to “The Hero’s Journey” — guidelines for movement that rely on the positive: shift the focus from the negative to the positive — “how would I like it to be?”; be aware of your movement — the point is not reaching the goal but the fact of moving toward it; understand that you are needed without hoping for gratitude — be free of gratitude; take care of the body and be in a mode of abundance instead of scarcity; not being for sale — be above money, do only what is valuable and interesting, money is a side effect; strengthen the strong in others, asking nothing in return; finish things — the sooner you get it done, the freer your mind; confirm to people that you have heard them — give a person the confirmation that they exist; calmly put into words the current state, the desired one and the steps toward it; live the three sources of happiness — pleasure, engagement and purpose; be the best not in one skill but in their combination — then you have no competitors; do only what leaves a pleasant aftertaste, and listen for it after every action. Behind several of the principles stand well-known discoveries: the three sources of happiness are Martin Seligman’s three lives, the pleasant, the engaged and the meaningful; “finish things” rests on the Zeigarnik effect — the unfinished occupies memory and does not let go; “confirm that you have heard” rests on Winnicott’s observation that a child learns of their own existence from the mother’s face, and an adult — from having been heard.
Unlike rigid rules, the principles set a direction, not the one right path; it is handy to come back to them and check which of the twelve are slipping right now. The twelfth is the simplest test for all the rest: if bitterness remains after something is done, however successful it may look, one of the previous eleven has been broken somewhere.
Resistance to change (14 reasons)
Why a person unconsciously resists change: does not acknowledge problems in their life; is not aware of the fear of saying goodbye to a habit, even a harmful one; wants and does not want to change at the same time; is a hostage to dopamine reinforcement — “ate a candy and felt good”; is a herd creature — the drive to fit in with those around them; is a product of their own automatisms, well-trodden paths; acquires secondary gains; falls into the cycle “prohibition — lapse — guilt — punishment”; after failed attempts quietly acquires learned helplessness; is steeped in myths about change — “you can’t fix your genes,” “you need willpower”; does not see — forbids themselves to see — themselves in the way of life they want; by default focuses not on what they want but on what they do not want; is not ready to acknowledge and pay the price of change; is not aware of a ban on change, because change puts something important to them at risk. Resistance was discovered by Freud, who noticed that a patient who asks for help at the same time defends their symptom, and introduced the term “working through” for the slow labor by which it is overcome; Prochaska and DiClemente’s stages of change model confirmed the first reasons on the list empirically — most people at first do not see the problem, then want and do not want at the same time, and hurrying them is useless.
Resistance is not laziness and not weakness but a defense that has a reason, and fear, gain and disbelief are each worked with differently; the ambivalence of “I want and I don’t want” is not an obstacle to change but its normal beginning. This is a view of yourself; leading another person toward change is taught by the “Formula for change” (module 7), and utilizing resistance in dialogue — by the techniques of module 8.
Result — Budget — Timeline (RBT)
A triangle for the first meeting with a client — a formula of the Structuring Parent. The opening: “allow me to ask you a few questions to understand how useful we can be; whether or not we end up working together, the conversation will be useful to you — you will learn the hidden pitfalls of your task.” Result: what the task is, what the best result would be, what a ten out of ten would be — and why it matters. Timeline: when you plan to finish, to start, to make a decision — and why it matters. Budget: what budget is optimal, what payment terms and schedule are comfortable. The three corners are the famous project management triangle, where you cannot get fast, cheap and perfect all at once and have to choose what to sacrifice; the course turns the engineering rule into a conversation, and in Berne’s language — into a contract at the Adult — Adult level, made before expectations have arisen.
Expertise shows in one question: which of the three variables must stay fixed, and which can be changed — a client who answers “nothing can be changed” is not yet ready for the work, and that, too, is a result of the meeting. Then — a pause: “allow me to study the task and prepare a proposal.” Movement through the model is the movement of a potential client on your territory; the answers are repeated back without emotion, and the client’s further decisions are made within this triangle. It continues the principles of agreements (module 1) in a business context; next to it are the three scenarios (module 3).
Scarcity and abundance
Two states from which a person acts. Acting from scarcity — distorted thinking, fear, self-blame, passivity — leads to self-destructive scripts. Acting from abundance — rational thinking, love, respect, confidence — makes it possible to build healthy relationships with yourself and with other people. The distinction goes back to Abraham Maslow, who divided motives into deficiency motives — to fill a lack — and being motives — to grow and to give; Melanie Klein saw the same watershed at a deeper level: out of the feeling of being deprived grows envy, which spoils even the good it receives, and out of the sense that “I have been given enough” grow gratitude and the ability to share. From scarcity we grab, scrimp and envy; from abundance we choose, share and cooperate.
It is precisely a state, not the size of your wallet: you can have a lot and live from scarcity, and in the consulting room such people are recognizable by the phrase “what if it all runs out.” Things to lean on from the course: “I have enough, everyone works for everyone, everyone does their best for everyone else” from the ways of getting back to the fourth floor (module 2), care for the body as one of the principles of growth, attention to psychobiological reserves. The state you act from determines both your decisions and your relationships.
Self-presentation (25 steps)
A model for presenting yourself and your services: a greeting and a brief introduction; connection through shared interests; the problems your audience faces; ways of solving them; how you measure clients’ success; clients’ results; experience; education and qualifications; values and principles; what inspires you; key skills; your approach to work; services; benefits for clients; achievements and awards; methods; your expectations of clients — turning the implied into the expressed; answers to frequent questions; quality guarantees; contacts of former clients for references; which specialists you work with; which clients you do not work with and what you do not do; an invitation to start working; the value of a free consultation; how people find out about you. The sociologist Erving Goffman showed that presenting oneself is not falsehood but an inevitable part of any interaction: everyone has a front stage and a backstage, and the only question is whether the entrance onto the stage has been thought through; Heinz Kohut added that the need to show oneself and to be seen is a healthy one, and shame about it is usually a legacy of a childhood where “look what I can do” was met with “don’t show off.”
The model helps to convey value so that it sounds dignified, not like pushy advertising or an apology for yourself; the twenty-second step — “whom I do not work with” — is often more convincing than all the achievements, because boundaries inspire trust. It rests on the star of trust (module 4): first trust, then the offer; it continues the career map (module 3); the peak of this line is the methodology of public speaking (module 10).
“Strengthen the strong” (4 steps)
A skill of positive feedback, so that praise is specific and works, rather than a perfunctory “well done.” Fixing attention: “I’ve gone through the report on your work this week and I want to point out…” The value of the fact: “it is truly valuable to see your achievements, because thanks to you…” Open questions for engagement: “how do you manage it?” — three questions. Consolidation: “keep it up; if you need support, let me know.” Skinner proved that reinforcement changes behavior more reliably than punishment, and attention is the strongest of reinforcements; Gallup’s research among thousands of managers showed that teams where strengths are noticed and developed consistently outperform those where weaknesses are fixed. The third step is the smartest: the question “how do you manage it?” makes a person become aware of their own method and own the success, whereas praise without a question remains your opinion.
At its core is a principle: attention strengthens whatever it is directed at; by highlighting the strong, you grow it in an employee, a child, a partner, and the other way round — a mistake that is constantly noticed becomes fixed together with the attention to it. Management principles next to it: there are no bad employees — someone is either bad or an employee, and only a manager makes people bad; only the presence of a result is a sign of professionalism. It is used directly in the motivating conversation (module 7); turned toward yourself, it is in the “Pleasure and mastery journal” (module 1).
“The Hero’s Journey” (12 stages)
A route of transformation, familiar from myths and films and applied to one’s own life: the ordinary world — exploring the current situation; the call to adventure — a quiet or loud voice calling for change; the threshold of doubt — inner and outer forces of resistance; the encounter with magic — something or someone that gives a push; the first step over the threshold — reflection gives way to action; allies, enemies and lessons; the approach to the cave of fears; the greatest ordeal — the central crisis of the journey; gaining the treasure; the return with the elixir — to the ordinary world, but changed; evolution — embodying the changes; contribution and legacy — sharing what has been gained. The scheme was discovered by Joseph Campbell, who compared the myths of different peoples and found one plot in them; the twelve steps are a development of it for screenwriters, which the course brings back from cinema into life. Campbell drew on Jung, for whom the hero’s journey is a map of individuation, of becoming oneself, and the cave of fears is the encounter with what a person does not want to know about themselves; the refusal of the call, according to Campbell, is also part of the plot, and without it the hero would be not a hero but a tourist.
Cycles of change are a spiral: after the twelfth stage the first begins again, only on a different level. The map is there so that you know in advance: doubts and ordeals are not a malfunction but part of the journey; the greatest ordeal almost always comes just when it seems time to give it all up. A pivotal model at the middle of the course: it brings together everything you have learned about the script and about change; its continuation is the twelve principles of growth.
The survival value of feelings
Every feeling is an indicator that tells us what matters to us or what we want to avoid: it reports a need or a violated boundary, rather than “getting in the way.” Even aggression serves to preserve the species, and the same is true of fear, shame or sadness — evolution would not have left us feelings that do not help us survive. Once you recognize exactly which feeling has arisen, you can choose how to respond to it: destructively — ignore it, suppress it, escape into addiction or conflict — or constructively, with a conscious action, a dialogue, a change of strategy. Joyce McDougall described the price of renouncing feelings: a person who has cut themselves off from affect does not stop feeling — the body begins to speak for them, through illness.
Behavior is always connected with the self-image a person keeps in focus: a self that respects its own and other people’s feelings — or a self that rejects and fears them. Understanding the message of an emotion matters more than suppressing it: a suppressed signal does not disappear but piles up, like an unopened letter, and sooner or later arrives by registered mail. From this principle come the eight messages of emotions and the distinction between acting from scarcity and acting from abundance; it connects to emotional needs (module 3).